Frank Zappa Beauty Knows No Pain

Beauty knows no pain

So what you cryin’ about

Girl

Beauty knows no pain

So what you cryin’ about

Girl

Beauty knows no

Beauty knows no

Beauty knows no

Even if yer plain

You could be tryin’ it out

Girl

Even if yer plain,

You could be tryin’ it out

Girl

Beauty is no

Beauty is no

Beauty is no

Beauty is a bikini wax ‘n waitin’ for yer nails to dry

Beauty is a colored pencil, scribbled all around yer eye

Beauty is a pair of shoes that makes you wanna die

Beauty is a Beauty is a Beauty is a Lie

But you don’t care if if s a lie

‘Cause you are such a beautiful guy

Your head is north, your feet is south

And you save the rest for Charlie’s mouth

Your head is north

Your feet is south

And you save the rest for

CHARLIE’S ENORMOUS MOUTH. . .

Frank Zappa “Oh-Umm”

[Gilly:] Ohh. Umm. Hmm.

[Girl #1:] That’s how long I’ve been here. I’ve been here ever since, ever since it got dark I’ve been here.

[Louis:] How did you get in my home? This is my piano. How did you get in here?

[Motorhead:] I thought it was my piano.

[Louis:] It’s mine.

[Roy:] Since when?

[Louis:] Since about 10 years ago its mine.

[Roy:] You sure?

[Louis:] Yes, positively.

[Roy:] No, it was mine.

[Louis:] This is a small place, you must be blind you know.

[Motorhead:] Where were you at?

[Roy:] Could have been one nine . . . No, it couldn’t have been one-nine-oh . . .

[Louis:] It couldn’t have been any more . . . How about try, just try ‘G’ . . .

[Roy:] How did you happen to get in here?

[Louis:] My mother said to me “You’re a bad boy, Louis the Turkey. You’d better, you’d you you you’d better go on ‘E’ and stay on ‘E’ and you’ll never see the world . . . you’re a bad boy ’cause you you went to the bathroom on the floor!” you know?

[Motorhead:] Did they make you clean it up?

[Louis:] No, they made me eat it.

[Roy:] Ooh.

Frank Zappa A Little Green Rosetta

[Act III]

[after the song ends]

This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER… As you can see, MUSIC can get you

pretty fucked up…Take a tip from Joe, do like he did, hock your imaginary guitar

and get a good job…Joe did, and he’s a happy guy now, on the day shift at

the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, arrogantly twisting the sterile canvas snoot of

a fully-charged icing anointment utensil. And every time a nice little muffin comes

by on the belt, he poots forth… And if this doesn’t convince you that MUSIC

causes BIG TROUBLE…then maybe I should turn off my plastic’ megaphone and

sing the last song on the album in my regular voice…

[SCENE EIGHTEEN]

[A LITTLE GREEN ROSETTA]

[CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER:]

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

You’ll make a muffin betta

With a green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A tiny green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

You’ll make a muffin betta

Betta

It’s really getting betta

It’s betta, it’s betta

With a green rosetta

Green rositti

A little green rositti

It’s really, really meaty

A little green rositti

Betta, betta,

(Hey, really out there…really good)

It’s really getting betta

It’s betta, it’s betta

With a green rosetta

Setta, setta

(Good God, give the drummer some)

Green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

(Setta, setta, setta, etc….)

(Make a muffin, make a muffin, make a muffin,

Make a muffin betta, make a muffin betta, [etc….])

With a green rosetta

A little green rosetta

[Etc….]

Good God! You’re really jammin ! Now the Reggae version, hey, for the People in

the Third World… we haven’t forgotten anybody on this song.. .for all of you French

people…who think that you re outta sight… And for the people in Spain…who think

the French people are where its at… And for the people in Mongolia who always

wanted to go to Spain for a vacation… And for those of you in Taiwan who got chumped,

this chorus is for you: (Rang Tang Ding Dong, I am the Japanese Sandman…

Take eight…)

Green rosetta

Green rosetta

A little green rosetta

(Against the Reggae beat, though… No, it’s still Reggae, but it s all backwards)

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

You’ll make a muffin betta [Etc., etc., etc…]

Now you see, some places in the Third World it might be difficult to dance to this because

the kerosene record player is not a very efficient device.. .And a lot of times they run out of,

they run out of spunk right in the middle of the chorus… Causing the song to sound like this…

A little green rosetta

However we continue in spite of the fact that the fuel may be low on your record player.

We suggest that in places like the Fourth World where things are really tough that you

keep the record player going by rubbing two sticks together. And if all else fails, throw

the record away… build your own green rosetta…try this recipe: Well start with a lump of

grass… the grass bone connected to the ankle bone…the knee bone connected to the

wishbone…and then everybody moves to New York and goes to a party with Warren.

Hey! And we’ve flown in, at great expense, (triple scale, no less, ladies and gentlemen),

Steve Gad’s clone to play the out-chorus on this song…lies really outa-site, in spite of

thefact that the click track is totally irrelevant to what he’s doing now. I in listening to

the click, yes I’m suffering with the click track right now…this guy is totally out of sync with it,

but what the fuck. Ed Mann will call him up later, show him the sign. Okay Vinnie, where

is five?

They’re pretty good musicians

They re pretty good musicians

They’re pretty good musicians

They’re pretty good musicians

But it don’t make no difference

If they’re good musicians

Because anybody who would buy this record

Doesn’t give a fuck if there’s good musicians

On it

Because this is a stupid song

AND THAT’S THE WAY I LIKE IT

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

You make a muffin betta

With a little green rosetta

A little green rosetta

Rosetta, rosetta, rosetta

[etc., etc., etc….]

AL MALKIN.

Zetta..

Frank Zappa Be In My Video

Be in my video,

Darling, every night

I will rent a cage for you

And mi j-i-nits dressed in white (teeny-little-tiny-little…)

Twirl around in a lap dissolve

Pretend to sing the words

I’ll rent a gleaming limousine

Release a Hock of

Ber-herna-herna-herna

Herna-her-nerds

Wear a leather collar

And a dagger in your ear

I will make you smell the glove

And try to look sincere, then we’ll

Dance the blues

Let’s dance the blues

Let’s dance the blues

Under the megawatt moonlight

Pretend to be Chinese,

(One-hung-low)

I’ll make you wear red shoes

There’s a cheesy atom bomb explosion

All the big groups use

Atomic light will shine

Through an old Venetian blind

Making patterns on your face,

Then it cuts to outer space

With its billions & billions &

Billions & billions and

Be in my video,

Darling, every night

Everyone in cable-land

Will say you’re ‘outa-site’

You can show your legs

While you’re getting in the car, then

I will look repulsive

While I mangle my guitar

Reen-toon-teen-toon-teen-toon

Tee-nu-nee-nu-nee,

Moo-ahhhh

Reen-toon-teen-toon-teen-toon

Tee-nu-nee-nu-nee,

Moo-ahhhh

Reen-toon-teen-toon-teen-toon

Tee-nu-nee-nu-nee,

Moo-ahhhh

Tee-nu-nee- – – -moo-ahhhh

Tee-nu-nee- – – -moo-wah-wah-wah-ooo

After all the close-up shots

Of you in bondage leather

They’ll spray an alley with a hose

And we’ll escape together, while we

Dance de blude agin

Led dance de blude agin

Led dance de blude agin

In de middle o’ de alley

Let’s dance your face

Let’s dance your lips

Let’s dance your nose

And then we’ll dance your sinus

MOO-AHHHH!

Frank Zappa Baby Snakes

Baby Snakes

Late at night is when they come out

Baby Snakes

Sure you know what I’m talkin’ about

Pink ‘n’ wet

They make the best kinda pet

Baby

Baby

Snakes

Looked around

An’ there’s a couple right near me

Baby Snakes

Maybe I think they can probably hear me

Pink ‘n’ wet

I’ll take all I can get

Baby

Baby

Baby Sna-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-kes, Yeah

They live in a ho-ho-hole

(Tiny hole)

That is usually empty

(Usually empty; tiny too)

They live by a code

(Ditditditdit)

That is usually SMPTE

Which stands for

Society of Motion Picture & Television Engineers

Maybe I think

That is what keeps them in sync

They’re wet ‘n’ they’re pink

I think I’ll give’em a, give’em a,

Give ’em a drink

Baby Sna-a-a-a-a-akesss

Frank Zappa Agency Man

Sell us a president, agency man

Smiling Big Brother, stern father perhaps

Sell us a president, agency man

A gay smiling nothing we know never craps

Let’s try California,

(Pay us first before we do it!)

We’ll get a smilin’ nazi

And march him right on through

Rent a baby

Kiss a baby

Ladies in for tea

And here’s a bunch of speeches

We’ll toss ’em in for free

Sell us a president, agency man

Smiling Big Brother, stern father perhaps

Sell us a president, agency man

A gay smiling nothing we know never craps

We’ll sell him in the movies

On the tube throughout the year

We’ll sell him by the buckets

To the Okies drinking beer

We’ll teach him how to walk and talk

We’ll putty up his chin

We’ll print his picture everywhere

Of course the SCHMUCK will win

From the heart of old Death Valley

To the ruling of our land

A simple trick, you simple pigs

Just the way we planned

Frank Zappa “Have You Ever Heard Their Band?”

[Monica:] Have you ever heard their band?

[Spider:] I don’t understand it though. Their band, I don’t understand . . .

[Monica:] I . . . I don’t think they understand it either

[Spider:] What? The smoke?

[John & Monica:] The band!

[Spider:] The band doesn’t understand what?

[Monica:] Did you know that?

[FZ:] The smoke stands still

[John:] There’s some kind of thing that’s giving us all these revelations

[Spider:] Yeah, well that’s the . . .

[John:] It’s . . . It’s . . . It’s this funny voice . . . and he keeps telling us all these things and I . . . it . . . I just thought that before we just thought of these things . . . ya know, like just off the wall and out of our heads

[Spider:] No, that’s religious superstition

Frank Zappa “I Wish Motorhead Would Come Back”

[Louis:] Ah, I wish Motorhead would come back. Oh wow, Motorhead . . . Motorhead . . . Where are you Motorhead?

[Roy:] He’s probably getting eaten by one of those ponies

[Louis:] Yes

[Roy:] Maybe he’s out there playing with motors

[Louis:] Motors?! Motors? . . . No! no! no!

Frank Zappa “This Is Neat”

[Howard:] This is neat!

[Jeff:] Spending a night in the motel

[Howard:] This is about the neatest Holiday Inn I’ve seen in days.

The rooms are in Foon’s name, hey? Look at that, wild coyotes!

[FZ:] Ha ha ha ha!

[Mark:] Okay, uh, you guys are gonna wait while I go in and check?

[FZ:] Yeah, you’re the straightest looking member, so

[Howard:] Really, why don’t you go in and see if you . . .

[Mark:] Yeah, man, right over there, right behind that car

[Howard:] Singles!

[Mark:] They’re already set up that way, sure

[Howard:] Oh. Good.

Frank Zappa Be-Bop Tango

Some of you may know that the tango, Which is not a very popular dance anymore, Was at one time reputed to be a dance of unbridled passion. Back in the old days when it wasn’t so easy to get your rocks off, When it was hard to make contact with a member of the opposite camp And you had to resort to things like dancing close together And going hey…

Those were the days. Well those days are probably gone forever, I don’t know, Unless Nixon is going to bring them back a little bit later. But we have this very special highly evolved permutated tango. It’s actually a perverted tango. By the time… Yes, it’s so perverted! This is the Be-Bop Tango, A special entertainment event that includes choreography a little bit later, so watch out folks…

You can turn on the big lights, we may need ’em. You know, the ones in the audience. Heh heh. Okay, ‘re you ready? Not too fast now ’cause I wanna get the right notes on the tape ‘N’ this, this has to be the one. This has to be the one with all the right notes on it. Okay, ‘re you ready? This is a hard one to play. One two three four…

The cowbell as a symbol of unbridled passion, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, as you might have noticed, Bruce Fowler has just completed some sort of trombone solo, Based on the-ah, idea of an evolved tango-event. Bruce has also prepared for you a demonstration of a dance That he hopes will sweep the ocean right after the Mud Shark did. Bruce is now warming up the important muscles of the body, In preparation…in preparation for the real live Be-Bop Tango Which we’re gonna demonstrate. Napoleon will assist him. Napoleon just put your horn down, Just relax, Put your head back, Here comes the drill. Okay, heh heh heh, you know what I’m talkin’ about? Okay.

This is sort of like jazz in it’s own peculiar way. Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny! Okay, let’s go! Yeah man, jazz man, you know what I mean? This is Be-Bop, Even though you think it doesn’t sound like that. Be-Bop! Now, as you might have noticed, Some of you with a musical education Can tell that the notes that George just sang when he went: “This is Be-Bop, even though you think it doesn’t sound like that”, Is actually a sort of a twisted form of the theme of the tango itself Which will get even more depraved as the number goes on. George will now attempt to dismember that melody, Play it and sing it at the same time while… Tu-dup. Hey, that’s the way! While we sort of dance to it. Okay, try it George. Tu-dup, tu-dee… Oh yeah! As I was saying. Now, what we’d like to do at this point Is get some volunteers from the audience to… I know you will, oh God you will… We need some…heh heh heh… Now, as a matter of fact you did, didn’t you… No, we wanna have some people who’ve never tried it bef

ore, Who’ve never even thought of trying it before. A boy, a girl, preferably who like each other, Who would like to come up here and attempt to dance to what George sings. Do we have anybody who is…you’re one.

Okay, what’s your name?

Carl.

Your name is Carl? Please Carl step on to the stage. Pleased to meet you Carl. Alright. Okay? Let’s see-ah, is there anybody in the, in the back? Where…oh-oh, hey! What’s your name?

Rick.

Rick, and?

Jane.

Rick and Jane and Carl! Alright, here’s how it works: There’s a beat going on like this; That’s a pedestrian beat. You don’t dance to that beat, You dance to what George sings, okay? The little ones, okay? The little quick ones, okay? Ready? George, make them dance!

Dup. No no Rick, you’re too reserved. Ready? Give it to ’em George! Tu-dup, tu-dup pu-dee-da… No no, come on now, loosen up. Listen, encourage them! When it… Ah! Okay! Alright, one more time: dance!

Tu-dup, du-dee-da… Let’s study this phenomenon. Tu-duppy-dup-pu-dee-da… Now look, Rick and Jane and Carl, You’re, you’re wonderful but you’re just too reserved. I still can… I know you will, maybe in a minute. Okay, I’ll t-tell you what: Go back to your seats and we’ll bring up the next batch. Okay? Carl, Rick and Jane! Alright, you wanna try…?

Anything you say Frank!

Oh my God! Alright, you’re name is Lana, right? Lana dance!

Du-dup-dee-dup… Now that’s more like it. Du-dup-dee-dup… Lana, you’re so good we have to bring up some other people to assist you. Brenda, imported from Edward’s Air Force Base, where she… Ladies and gentlemen, Brenda… Brenda is a professional harlot And she just got finished stripping for a bunch of guys at Edward’s Air Force Base, And she made it down here in time for the show. Two hours of taking it off for the boys in the car, really good. Okay. Heh. Brenda, Brenda has a lovely assistant named Carl, Or Robert James Davis if you prefer. Herb Cohen, ladies and gentlemen! Okay, dance!

Du-du-dip… You’re still too adagio, I keep telling you! Du-dup-du-dee-da… Turn on the bubble machine! Dup-dee-da, dup-dee-da… God, is that a cheap bubble-machine! Bow, du-du-du-du-du-da… Ladies and gentlemen: Don’s ex-wife! Ladies and gentlemen, You’re probably sitting in your chairs, Saying to yourselves: I could do that. And of course you can! And now is your big chance! All you have to do, The first step is easy, All you gotta do is stand up. Go ahead, just stand up. There you go, you are standing up. Yes, some of you are not standing up But you won’t have as much fun as the ones who are standing up. Okay, turn on the big lights so everybody can see what’s going on. Yes, very many of you are standing up. Okay, link your mind with the mind of George Duke! And when…

Du-dup… That’s it! When he plays those funny fast little notes, Twitch around and have a good time with the Be-Bop Tango, Let’s try it! Anything you wanna do is alright. You gotta do anything you wanna do, it’s alright. Yes you got to know you came to the right place, tonight. (Give me some of that wine now). As you might have guessed, ladies and gentlemen, This is the end of our concert. We like to thank you ver… Wanna thank you very much for coming. Hope you had a good time. Bruce Fowler on trombone, Napoleon Murphy Brock on tenor sax and lead vocals, Ruth Underwood on percussion, Ralph Humphrey on drums, Chester Thompson on drums, Tom Fowler on bass And George Duke on the keyboards. Thank you very much. Alright, alright…