Jon Lajoie Radio Friendly Song

It starts soft like a thousand

other songs that you’ve heard before

Except in this one they do a little

du-du-du-du-DU-dum-du-du

So you try to change the station

but it’s playing on every one

A bunch shitty-ass chords and lyrics

recorded by a fucking moron

And you assume the the general public

is not that stupid

You’re positive that nobody will want

to listen to this

But you are wrong

They wanna know the stupid

motherfucking lame cock-sucking

cookie cutter radio friendly song

And everyone sings along in their cars

and at the mall

And at the office they all love the new

radio friendly song

Un-o-ri-gi-nal me-lo-dy

Why did John Lennon have to be the one

to get shot, something’s wrong

While these douche bags are all still alive

singing these ass-licking songs

All these fucking unoriginal pussies

that don’t have anything to say

I’m not homophobic, but this song is

so fucking gay

You can barely retain the vomit

that’s raising in your throat

And you assume that everyone will think

that this song is terrible

But you are wrong

They wanna know the stupid

motherfucking lame cock-sucking

cookie cutter radio friendly song

And everyone sings along in their cars

and at the mall

And at the office they all love the new

radio friendly …

Piece of shit

oh what a sucky-ass piece of shit

I’d rather shoot myself in the face

than listen to this

corporate bitch singing this

stupid motherfucking lame cock-sucking

cookie cutter radio friendly piece of shit

God I hate this shit!

Jon Lajoie Blackbird

Are we recording?

I wrote this song last night, and I’m not sure about some of the lyrics, but I’ll give it a shot.

John’s new girlfriend is a cunt

I don’t know what he sees in that bitch

She’ll ruin our lives

This bands gonna break up if that whore does not die

John’s got to stop taking LSD

It’s making him think she’s a 10, really she’s a 3.

What the fuck?

Looks like her face got ran over by a truck

Dump that bitch

Dump that bitch

And stop being a motherfucking dick

Ringo won’t shut the fuck up

And George keeps writing stupid fucking songs

That’s my job

I’m the musical genius, they can all just suck my nuts

Suck my nuts

Suck my nuts

And while you’re down there, suck my cock

Fuck this shit, I’ve got a plan

Linda and I will start our own band

And call it Metallica

Metallica, yeah, that is a good name for a band

Metallica

Metallica

I’ll have to run that name by Linda

Our new band Metallica is going to be super sick

If Linda ever dies, I’ll marry a one-legged bitch

And then divorce her six years later

‘Cause she was such a fucking bitch

Jon Lajoie Fuck Everything

Yo. All the rappers claim to not give a fuck.

Well step aside bitches, cause I give the lowest amount of fuck humanly possible.

What?!

(I don’t a give a fuck…)

About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what

(I don’t give a fuck…)

I literally don’t give a fuck about anything

I don’t give a fuck about motherfuckin’ anything

People care about shit, I say fuck everything

Fuck you, fuck me, fuck the sky, fuck trees, fuck the sun

I don’t need heat for Vitamin D!

And fuck toasters, I don’t need to cook my bread

And fuck coasters, I use a little plate instead

And fuck roosters with their useless cockadoodledoo

We invented alarm clocks, we no longer need you

Don’t give a fuck about chairs, I prefer to stand

And fuck air conditioners, I got a ceiling fan

And fuck the movie The Fan, starring Wesley Snipes

Demolition Man’s the only Snipes movie I like

And fuck liking shit. I don’t even like the stuff that I like

Don’t give a fuck about not liking all the shit I don’t like

Like tissues. Fuck ’em! I blow my nose on the couch

And fuck my nostrils and my sense of smell I breathe through my mouth

Don’t give a fuck about seeing bitch, fuck my eyes

Fuck visual perception yo, I’d rather be blind

Fuck time, seconds are too short and minutes are a joke

And hours are way too long, they should be half an hour at most

And fuck coasts, don’t give a fuck about where water meets land

And fuck boats, just because you float you think you’re so fucking bad

And fuck jokes, I don’t need to be funny all the time

My dog has a tumor and he’s probably gonna die, but…

(I don’t a give a fuck…)

About anything, fuck everyone and fuck everything, what

(I don’t give a fuck…)

I literally don’t give a fuck about anything

Walked into a coffee shop and ordered a cup

The girl says “small, medium, large?”

I say “bitch I don’t give a fuck”

She said “I can’t process your order if you don’t pick a size”

I said “fine, I’ll take a large, but I still don’t give a fuck, alright?”

Don’t give a fuck about beverage size options motherfucker

And I don’t give a fuck about liquids either

They’re all wet and shit and tend to spill all over the place

Like human semen when I get it all over my face

I’m not gay, I just don’t give a fuck about straight sex

And fuck my dick, I’ll pee and cum out of my mouth instead.

Fuck biological functions, fuck the human body

I prefer the body of a bat with the head of a coyote

I call myself Batyote and I fight crime at night

I know its similar to Batman but motherfuck copyright

I plagiarize all the time, I do it everyday

Cause I’m on the right track baby, I was born this way

And fuck birth, entering the world of space & time is a bitch

Searching for purpose in the random universe sucks dick

Is it deterministic or am I free to choose my way

Did I choose to not give a fuck about ice cube trays

If I want ice I’ll go to the fucking corner store and buy a bag

Filling you up and waiting for the water to freeze is a motherfucking drag

You know what? Fuck the word fuck, I don’t need to use it

I’ll replace it with the word chainsaw for this chorus

(I don’t a give a chainsaw…)

About anything, chainsaw everyone and chainsaw everything, what

(I don’t give a chainsaw…)

I literally don’t give a chainsaw about anything

If there was a contest to see who doesn’t give a fuck the most

I wouldn’t win cause I don’t give a fuck about winning yo

I don’t even give a fuck about not giving a fuck,

So I do give a fuck… wait, what?

(I give a fuck…)

About anything, I love everyone and care about everything

(I give a fuck…)

I literally care about every motherfucking thing

Jon Lajoie Please Use This Song

[Hook 1:]

Please use this song in your commercial

Please use this song in your commercial

I need the money, so please use this to sell something

Please use this song in your commercial

A fast food franchise, office supplies

A brand new hair dye, a dating website

A suicide hotline, a new way to exercise

A preview for a movie that is coming out in July

A political campaign, a new video game

A medication that you didn’t know you should be taking

Any product any service this is the right song

Your target audience will be singing and dancing along

[Hook 2:]

Please use this song in your commercial

Please use this song in your commercial

I need the exposure, my house is in foreclosure

So please use this song in your commercial

Oh to have a song in a national campaign

Millions would hear my song and they would say

“Have you seen that commercial?

You know the one about that thing?

The song playing in the background is really great!”

A credit card company, join the military

A new way to make yourself less hairy

Life insurance, medical insurance

Cat insurance, insurance insurance

Financial institution, the one that took my house

If you use this song maybe we can work something out

Any product any service this is the right song

Your target audience will be singing and dancing along

[Hook 1]

[Hook 3:]

Please use this song in your commercial [x2]

The music industry’s dying, but consumerism is thriving

So please use this song in your commercial

Jon Lajoie Merry Christmas Exclamation Point

You’re the dude from high school I see at the gym

Or a friend of a friend, or a second cousin

You’re a co-worker I sometimes eat lunch with

You’re one of my many acquaintances

You know Christmas is about spending time with friends and family

But just because you’re not in one of those 2 categories

Doesn’t mean that I won’t still do something special for you

Cause Christmas is about giving

So here’s what I’ll do

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna type Merry Christmas exclamation point, and then press send

Maybe I’ll just copy and paste it (From a previous text)

Well it’s only two words, I might as well just type it (Less complicated)

If you’re thinking of calling me to thank me, oh please don’t (That’s not how this works)

Texting is as far as this relationship goes (And keep your response brief)

I have way more important people in my life, you’re not even in the top fifty

It’s not that I don’t care about you, well yeah I don’t really care about you

But, doesn’t mean that I won’t still do, something special for you

Cause Christmas is about giving

So here’s what I’ll do

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna send you a Christmas text (Christmas text, Christmas text)

I’m gonna type Merry Christmas exclamation point, and then press send

I don’t care enough to call, but I don’t not care enough to do nothing, all

I don’t care enough to call, but I don’t not care enough to do nothing, all

So I’ll type Merry Christmas exclamation point and then press send

Merry Christmas exclamation point and then press send

Merry Christmas exclamation point and then press send

And to all of my non-Christian friends, I will text you: “Hey, dude what’s goin on? We should totes hang next week”.

Jon Lajoie WTF Collective 2

MC Confusing back in this bitch

With a parking sandwich and a chicken ticket

I got a liquid face lift from a fig with big tits

And my wrist got twisted by a Brit with fake spit

And you don’t understand it, ’cause you’re not supposed to

Like a candy cane snake in a jealous cartoon

And I’m gonna leave soon, but first I need to

Drink a Chevy chase face and rape Robocop 2

Yo, I’m MC Historical Inaccuracy

I drop lyrical bombs like Hiroshima in ’73

I write rhymes like Shakespeare when he wrote Ann Frank’s Diary

Which is about the civil war of 1812 in Germany

I’m like the Spanish inquisition when they killed Jesus

And Abe Lincoln’s suicide was the theme for my thesis

Like Moses when I focus I can split the Red sea

Like he did in 1950 with the Chinese army

I’m MC Don’t Know How to Pluralize Word

I got so many rhyme and I sleep with all the girl

When there’s more than one of something you’re supposed to pluralize

But I never learned that through all the year I’ve been alive

Hello, I’m MC Canadian Stereotype

I’m about to get started, so let me get off the ice

But I don’t want any trouble, and I am always polite

Now let’s hop on my snowmobile, and I will tell you what I like

But first I’ll turn of curling and turn down Avril Lavigne

Et j’vais dire une phrase en francais, parce qu’ici on est bilingue

Oh boy, I fell of my igloo and I hurt my knee

Let’s go to the hospital, don’t worry, here in Canada it’s free, eh

MC Fatigue, did you miss me

I’ll be awake for five minutes, ’cause I had a coffee

I’ll try to get through my verse, but I really don’t know

I drank that coffee about five minutes ago

(snoring)

They hired me again to sing this motherfucking chorus

I haven’t found a fucking job yet so I gotta do this bullshit

(I can’t take it, I’m done)

I don’t think I can sing another fucking chorus

I think I’m gonna jump off a bridge, or shoot myself like Kurt Cobain did

(I think my dad has a gun)

I’m MC Knows Too Many Facts About Bees

15 miles per hour is their average speed

A queen can lay up to 3000 eggs in a day

Just because I know a lot about bees doesn’t mean that I’m gay

I’m also MC In the Closet Homosexual

I hide it ’cause it’s easier to be heterosexual

We can’t even get married in most states here in America

It’s fucked up

Gay marriage is legal here, in Canada

I’m MC Homophobic Fucking Asshole

Being gay is evil and it is unnatural

Jesus said to love thy neighbour, but only if they are straight

Penises go in vaginas, anything else is just insane

I’m MC Extremely Inappropriate Rhymes

I shake things up like J-fox when I get on the mic

And I drop my enemies just like Christopher Reeves’ horse

Then I put them to sleep, like Heath Ledger of course

(woah)

I’m MC Extremely Politically Correct

I disagree with the previous MC’s lyrical content

It’s offensive, insensitive and in very bad taste

Just like that guy who wrote that song when Michael Jackson passed away

Yo, MC Final Verse here to end this song

One was enough, we didn’t need a sequel Jon

Make a fourth Show Me Your Genitals or another Normal Guy

But for now let’s end this stupid song with a suicide

This is the last time that I will ever sing a chorus

My dad’s gun was in his closet and I’m gonna end this bullshit

(I had a good run)

I’m gonna pull the trigger as soon as I finished the chorus

Sayonara and farewell, I guess I’ll see you all in hell

(Four, three, two, one)

Jon Lajoie I Can Dance

Some guys are good at talking to girls

Some guys have all the money in the world

Some guys wear fancy shoes and pants

I’m not one of those guys,

but baby, I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

Uh uh, ah ah

Uh uh, ah ah

Some guys have friends and they do high-fives

Some guys have parents that are still alive

Some guys don’t sit when they pee, they stand

I’m not one of those guys,

but baby, I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

Everybody, let’s count to ten

One

All you’ve got to do is watch me dance

Two

Keep watching me dance

Three

(Um, uh, hm)

Four

“Yeah, I’m sorry, I don’t actually have lyrics

for this part. I kinda got carried away, I thought

that we should do a counting thing, but, uh.

That’s my bad. Sorry guys, sorry ’bout that.

Can we just maybe cut back to the cho—”

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

I can dance

(dance, dance, dance, dance, dance)

Uh uh, ah ah

Uh uh, ah ah

Some guys have money that they’ve invested

Some guys were never molested

I was though, and, but, em…

Change of music

You’ve got to stop touching the children

You’ve got to stop touching the children

Catholic church, we’re looking at your direction

You’ve got to stop touching the children

We’re not pointing fingers but, damn, your track record

is bad and getting worse

You’ve got to stop touching the children

‘Vatican’ more like ‘Old-man-touching-childr-i-can’

Uh uh, ah ah

Uh uh, ah aaaaah

Jon Lajoie WTF Collective

[MC Confusing]

Other rappers are comprehensible – not me!

First on the mic – MC Confusing!

I took a piss on my nutsack and called it Jack Black

It’s a fact, I got more rhymes then Zach Braff taking a nap

I attack motherfuckers wearing purple backpacks

And I snack on towel racks and take a shit on your track

Yeah your whack, cause everybody understands what you say

But when I get on the mic, I make milk outta clay

And I play air guitar with a tube of toothpaste

And I say karate pencil case and put it on tape

[MC Insecure]

Yo I’m MC Insecure – what’s up?

I really don’t think that I’m good enough

To be rhyming on this track cause my lyrics suck

All my verses fall flat like a hockey puck

It took me seven months to write the first part of my verse

And now I got nothing left so I’ll pretend that I got hurt

Aw, I think I sprained my ankle

You guys go ahead and finish the song without me

[MC Amnesia]

Yo MC Amnesia up in this bitch

Woke up five days ago lying in the ditch

Didn’t know who I was I couldn’t remember shit

Apparently something happened that was traumatic

I used to have more rhymes but I can’t remember them

Seriously I’m freaking out I can’t remember anything!

Whats my motherfucking name?

(Seriously does anyone know what my name is?)

[MC Public Urination]

Yo I’m MC Public Urination – what – what!

I take a fucking piss on a fucking sidewalk

Anytime, anyplace, I just whip out my cock

And empty my bladder while you motherfuckers watch!

You other MCs can’t handle this shit!

You’re just a little bitch afraid to pee in public

You run into a toilet every time you have to piss

Yo fuck that shit – I just whip out my dick!

[MC Fatigue]

Yo MC Fatigue – yeah that’s me

Every time I grab the mic I fucking fall asleep

[Chorus — Chorus Guy]

I’m the guy who sings the chorus

(It breaks up the song)

My part is kinda boring

(I wish that I could go home)

But they’re paying me to sing the chorus

(And I really need the cash)

Cause I’m unemployed at the moment

(Just moved back in with my dad)

[MC Doesn’t Know What Irony Is]

Yo I’m MC Doesn’t Know What Irony Is

Walked up to a girl and I gave her a kiss

She said “Let’s go to your place, I’ll suck your dick”

I said “Hell yeah bitch, that’s so ironic”

[MC Gets Side–Tracked Easily]

Yo I’m MC Gets Side–Tracked Easily

My rhymes are badass like Gandolfini

You know he’s known for the Sopranos but he’s also in movies

Like Get Shorty and Terminal Velocity

Which I didn’t really like cause I don’t like Charlie Sheen

Well I guess in Hot Shots, he was kinda funny

But I prefer Leslie Nielsen in the Naked Gun

You know who else was in that movie? O.J. Simpson

Which is kinda weird, knowing what he did after that

Wait, what was I saying?

I think I got side–tracked.

[MC Lethal Weapon 1, 2 & 3]

Yo I’m MC Lethal Weapon 1, 2 & 3

I really like those movies but the 4th disappointed me

Danny Glover, Mel Gibson and Joe Pesci

Why did they have to make a 4th?

They had a perfect trilogy!

[MC Lethal Weapon 4]

MC Lethal Weapon 4 that’s me

I disagree with MC Lethal Weapon 1, 2 & 3

Although I agree that it is a groundbreaking trilogy

The 4th was also good they added Chris Rock and Jet Li!

[MC Shit My Pants Frequently]

Yo I’m MC Shit My Pants Frequently

It usually happens when I’m walking down the street

Or when I’m hanging out with some fly ass hoes

There we go!

Thank god I brought a change of clothes!

[MC Final Verse]

Yo I’m the MC with the final verse

I’m supposed to sum up everything you heard

But mutherfuckers I don’t really have the time

So fuck that and come back to the Chorus Guy

[Chorus — Chorus Guy]

I’m still singing the chorus

(Thank god we’re almost done)

I hate singing the chorus

(Such a boring fucking job)

I’m gonna take my 40 bucks

(That’s what their paying me)

And I’m gonna go get really drunk

(Masturbate then go to sleep)

Jon Lajoie 2 Girls 1 Cup Song

How do you show someone you love

That they are the one

So many ways to express love

It’s hard to choose just one

How you gonna do it

Some people like to kiss, some people like to hug,

Some lesbians like eating each others shit out of a cup

Some people say “I love you,” some even shout it out

Some people puke semi-digested shit into each others mouths

Sometimes making love’s not enough,

You have to step it up

And urinating on her face

Is not enough to say “I love you”

Some people like to kiss, some people like to hug,

Some lesbians like eating each others shit out of a cup

Some people say “I love you,” some even shout it out

Some people puke semi-digested shit into each others mouths

She’s covered in vomit and human feces

That’s how I know that she needs me

[3x]

Shit in my mouth, and I’ll puke it all over your face.

(I love you)

Jon Lajoie Mel Gibson’s Love Song

My heart is on fire like a burning cross

Compared to you, others are at the back of the bus

You’re as beautiful as a swastika

And baby, I want to tell ya

I love you as much as I hate other races

religions and sexual orientations

I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ

Who was brutally murdered by money-loving kikes

I love you

That’s why I punched you in the face

I have something to ask, as I get down on one knee

Will you blame yourself if you get raped

You slutty pig in heat

Uh, sorry, that came out wrong

I meant will you be my wife

I wanna be with you for the rest of my

extremely racist and homophobic life

Because

I love you as much as I hate other races

religions and sexual orientations

I love you as much as I love Jesus Christ

Who was brutally murdered by money-loving kikes

I love you

That’s why I kicked you in the face

A pack of niggers couldn’t keep me from you

I love you as much as I hate fags and jews

Together forever like hate and the human heart

Together forever like hate and the human heart