Jon Lajoie E=MC VAGINA

(Aahhh yeah, I’m back…bitches)

Women are equal and they deserve respect,

Just kidding, they should suck my dick.

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

I want to have sex with your vagina (uhh)

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

2 plus 2 = vagina (uhh)

My love is like lightning …

It gives girls orgasms.

My dick is like an airplane …

It gives girls orgasms.

I’m the Wayne Gretzky of sexual stuff.

I’m the Hulk Hogan of slamming muff.

I’m the Indiana Jones of exploring crotch.

I’m the Shakespeare of enormous cock.

I’m the Helen Keller of having sex.

No, wait … that’s a bad example.

Why did my penis cross the road?

To get to the other …

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

I want to have sex with your vagina (uhh)

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

E=MC Vagina

I’ve got a present for you right here.

Actually, it’s not a present …

It’s my penis and I like to call it The Spear

Cause spears are long and hard, just like my penis.

I don’t like it when you talk,

Cause that just means your not sucking my cock.

Love is for girls and gays,

If you wanna be with me it goes one of two ways …

Either you have sex with me …

Or you have sex with me.

I have really good sex moves,

That I learned in China.

I’m a sexual tiger,

And I feed on vagina (raahhrr)

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

I want to have sex with your vagina (uhh)

Vagina (what) … vagina (what) …

What time is it? It’s vagina.

What’s the difference between a girl’s mouth and a girl’s vagina?

There is none … I want my penis to be inside both of those things.

I’m a good sex man.

Girls love my sex.

I’m a good sex man,

Because my sex is the best.

I’m like Jean Claude Van Damme,

But instead of fighting people,

I have sex with them!

Jon Lajoie Listening To My Penis

I have to stop listening to my penis

Listening to my penis

I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

I should be studying and working hard

My future depends on this, this is bizarre

Why am I standing in this noisy club

Where people are “Hey, what the fuck”

This doesn’t make sense, I hate this place

12 dollar drinks and a shitty DJ

Obnoxious douchebags and easy girls

Oh yeah, that’s why I’m here, the easy girls

I can’t believe that it has come to this

Doing all this just to cum is ridiculous

I know I sound sexist, but I’m a feminist

But the problem is my dick is an idiot

When it comes to arguments, he always wins

Rationality can not compete with orgasms

I lost my train of thought, this girl’s so hot

Oh here I go again, I have to stop

Listening to my penis

Listening to my penis

I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

I hate this girl, why am I talking to her?

She’s a horrible person but my mind’s a blur

‘Cause she’s wearing a skirt and a push-up bra

God damn her in that push-up bra

My mind keeps telling me to walk away

“Jon, just go home and masturbate

Don’t waste your money and your time

With this really dissing girl

That you don’t even like”

But my dick is like “Hey! I’m here to stay!

You’re gonna do everything that I say! First get her drunk

It will be easier. And if she wants to dance

Then fucking dance with her”

But I hate this music and I hate dancing

And there’s no way I can afford all these drinks

“Hey! Do what you have to do to get me inside!

You know very well you won’t win this fight”

So five minutes later I’m on the dance floor

Dancing to Kesha and I hate that hoe

And I hate myself and I hate my cock

It’s hard as a rock and I have to stop

Listening to my penis

Listening to my penis

I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

Stumble out of the bar, it’s 2 in the morning

Dead on the inside but still horny

So I try to get this girl back to her place

But she says she’s hungry so I have to wait

Now I’m in a diner, it’s almost 3

She’s talking about her captive reality tv

I really should just go home and go to sleep

But the goddamn cleavage is staring right at me

And I just wanna spend a little time in there

Which reminds me of a flow by Voltaire

Anything too stupid to be spoken is sung

And I have been singing a lot since I have begun

Listening to my penis

Listening to my penis

I swear I would be a genius ff I stopped listening to my penis

So I’m back at her place 4 AM, finally play time begins

All my hard work is about to pay off

But all of a sudden there is a knock on her door

She starts to freak out

She tells me she thought her boyfriend was out of town

He kicks the door down, I jump out the window

I didn’t even have the time to grab my clothes

So I’m running like a motherfucker down the street

Fully erect and still horny

I finally give in, this has to stop

So I hide in some bushes and I start to jerk off

I’m almost done when I see flashing lights

A squad car appears right out of the night

I try to run and that’s when I cum

Surrounded by cops at the break of dawn

See, this is what happens when you listen to your dick

You become an irrational insane prick

Now I’m sitting the cell, ashamed and naked

How the fuck am I gonna explain this to my wife and kid?

Listening to my penis

Listening to my penis

I swear I would be a genius if I stopped listening to my penis

Jon Lajoie Song For Britney

Britney, I can feel your sadness

The world is filled with madness

And everybody takes it out on you

And there’s nothing you can do

But girl I want you to know

that I’m not one of those,

Because I don’t care what they all say

I’d still have sex with you any day.

Any day

Britney, nobody really knows you

Yet, they all think they can judge you

Although I’m not a fan of your music

The way they treat you girl, it makes me sick

Just know that I can hear your cries

And I still love to get between those thighs

Because I don’t care what they all say

I’d still have sex with you any day.

Any day

And if you want to marry me

As long as I don’t have to sign a pre-nup

I agree

’cause I don’t care what they all say

No, I don’t care what they all say

I’d still tap that ass any day

Jon Lajoie Slightly Irresponsible

I am slightly irresponsible,

Girl, don’t let that scare you away,

‘Cause I am still reliable,

Just not a hundred percent, baby.

Sometimes I fall asleep without brushing my teeth

And I only floss approximately twice a week,

I don’t return phone calls all the time,

Unless it’s my boss, I want to stay on his good side.

I always pay my credit cards on time,

But irresponsibly I’d make minimum payments once in a while,

Also I think I may have accidentally killed someone,

I’m not sure if they died, it was a hit’n’run.

I am slightly irresponsible,

Girl, don’t let that scare you away,

‘Cause I am still reliable,

Just not a hundred percent, baby.

When I park my car, sometimes I leave the windows open,

That’s how I got my Blackberry charger stolen,

But I didn’t really care, I had a second one,

That my friend gave me when he bought his iPhone last month.

I’m glad no one’s noticed the dent in my front bumper.

When I got home that night there was blood all over,

And in the grille there were bits of face, hair and bone.

I cleaned the car when made sure nobody followed me home.

I am slightly irresponsible,

I wonder if that person had a family,

But I am still reliable,

But the guilt’s eating away at me.

Sometimes I’m a day late paying my rent

And sometimes I forget the birthdays of my friends,

Apparently they don’t have any suspects thus far,

But they know he was killed by a Camry, luckily for me that’s a common car.

But there was one witness: a seventy-nine-year-old lady,

I need to kill her, she’s the only one who can identify me,

So I break into her house to kill her, but then things get messy,

I didn’t realize that her son’s family was visiting.

I am slightly irresponsible,

(Ah shit) (Hey, who the fuck are you?)

But I am still reliable.

(Shut the fuck up)

I am slightly irresponsible,

(SHUT UP! SHUT UP!)

But I am still reliable

(What have I done? What have I done? Oh my god, what have I done?)

Jon Lajoie The Best Christmas Song

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

If you don’t believe me, well you should believe me

‘Cause this is the best Christmas song, so listen to it now

Christmas is my favorite Christmastime of the year

Bells are jiggling and the angels are making Jesus

It’s a silent night except for my neighbor’s washing machine

It’s very loud; that’s why I’m wearing my second-favorite earmuffs

Santa Claus is coming, so you better be naughty or nice

He has a beard so you can’t even see his neck

He flies around with horses that have branches on their ears

‘Cause there are no earmuffs in the North Pole; there are only trees

He brings presents to the kids, but he doesn’t wear mittens

Probably because they make his hands very itchy

Leave Santa milk and cookies so he can have a snack

It’ll be easy for him to pick them up ’cause he won’t have mittens on his hands

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

Other Christmas songs don’t even talk about Christmas stuff

But this is the best Christmas song, so keep listening to it now

Santa comes in from the chimney, so don’t block it with a mattress

And if you don’t have a chimney, make one out of a mattress

Santa, what is the present you’re gonna put in my tree this year?

I hope it’s not the shoes that I already have

I already have those shoes, so that’s not a very good present

A better present would be to make my family still alive

Or a bicycle; that would be good, too

Also, can you move your beard? I want to see what your neck looks like

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

Mittens aren’t even a super important thing

But this is the best Christmas song, so keep listening to it now

Everybody do the Christmas arms

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, arms, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, arms

Everybody do the Christmas face

Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, face, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, face

Everybody do the Christmas talking

A-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, talking, ra-ra-ra-ra-ra-ra, talking

Everybody don’t put mittens on

No mittens, no mittens, no mittens, no

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, I tricked you to not putting mittens on

Now your hands are cold; that was my Christmas trick

Another trick I like to do is I give people chocolate

And I’d say “Happy Easter,” and they’d say “What? It’s not even Easter!”

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

This is the best Christmas song that ever existed

Maybe Santa’s neck is a different color or something

But this is the best Christmas song, and now it’s finished

Jon Lajoie The Phonecall

[dialing]

[Bob (Jon):] Can’t believe this.

[B:] I’m gonna kill this motherfucker.

[sigh]

[Jake (the other guy):] Hallo

[B:] Hello, Jake

[J:] Uh, hi there Bob. How is it going?

[B:] Well, I’m just fun-fucking-tastic, Jake. How are you?

[J:] Oh, you know. Can’t complain.

[B:] That’s just fucking great.

Hey. I just spoke with my neighbour who lives across the street,

and he told me that you came by my house today. While I was at work.

[J:] Oh, uh. Yeah, yeah, I just popped in there for a few minutes.

[B:] A few minutes? My neighbour says it was more like three hours.

So what could’ve you been possible doing alone in my house,

with my wife, for three hours?

[J:] Oh, no, no, no. Look I—

[B:] ‘Cause you see, a guy like me can get suspicious.

[J:] Listen, uh. I can explain everything. I, I—

[B:] Oh, I want you to explain.

[J:] It’s not what you think, um.

[B:] Well, please, enlighten me Jake, ’cause I’m really fucking curious

to know what you were doing.

[J:] Look, it’s nothing. It’s stupid, really. I, I went over to your

house, around one o’clock ([B:] huh), and I fucked your wife

and then I left.

[B:] Really…

[J:] Really, I swear. I went over, I fucked her for a while, and

after we both came, I just went home.

[B:] Is my name Forest Gump, Jake?

[J:] Um, what?

[B:] Answer the fucking question! Is my name Forest Gump?!

[J:] Oh, well, no.

[B:] So why are you treating me like I’m a fucking retard.

You expect me to believe that you were in my house for

three hours and all you did was fuck my wife?!

[J:] I came over, she, she blew me there for a while ([B:] aha)

I came, so we had to wait for a while. Then we had sex in the

kitchen, for a while, then we had sex in the living room…

[B:] You’re fucking lying to me, and I really don’t like it Jake.

You were in my house for three hours!

[J:] No, no. It’s not like that. You see, we had sex a few times,

and then she wanted more. She said she was really wet and feeling

dirty and she wants more than one cock inside of her ([B:] Hm).

So we called your brother to see if he wanted to come over and

get in on the action, and, and he said ‘Yes!’, so we waited around

for about an hour. That’s, that’s why it took so long.

[B:] Hmm. My brother? ([J:] Uhm)

You and my brother double-teamed my wife?

[J:] Oh, yeah, yeah. We gave it to her boy. In every hole.

[B:] Aha. See, that’s funny. ‘Cause my brother’s in Miami this week. I find

it hard to believe that my brother flew all the way to Miami here, to

double-team my wife with you.

[J:] Oh, well, uhh…

[B:] And you know what the funny thing is? The facet in my kitchen has been

leaking for three months now. And suddenly today, of all days, it

decided to stop leaking.

[J:] Uh, oh, oh.

[B:] I’m gonna give you one last chance to answer this question. And if you

lie, I guarantee you, you’re gonna regret it. What where you doing in

my house today?!

[J:] I’m, I’m sorry. Your wife called me, and I didn’t, I didn’t.

[B:] ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION!

[J:] Your wife wanted me to fix the facet, ’cause she couldn’t stand the dripping

noise anymore. I didn’t want to do it, but she begged me!

[B:] And what did YOU do?!

[J:] I fixed it. I fixed the facet. I’m sorry!

[B:] You motherfucking, cocksucking piece of shit, you fucking fix my facet, you

backstabbing FUCK!, I’m gonna fix your face, you hear me?!

[J: (crying)] I—

[B:] I’m gonna fix your fucking…

Jon Lajoie Alone In The Universe

We’re floating in space on the edge of time

In a universe that we can’t define

Billions of stars in the endless night

Try to find purpose for our lives

Yet we still take the time (we still take the time)

Yes we always take the time

To masturbate oohhh

To milk the snake

Girls do the taco hand shake

I’m gonna hold my sausage hostage, tonight

Whether you’re English, French, Japanese, or German

Whether you’re at home or at a movie with Pee Wee Herman

We all take matters into our own hands

With the five finger army we invade our pants

We’d all be doing time (yes we’d all be doing time)

If it was a crime

To masturbate oohhh

To pull the hand brake

To play vagina DJ

She’s gonna play country on the clitar, tonight

He burps his baby

She’s putting on a puppet show

Our genitals are Juliet

Our hands are Romeo

He chokes his chicken

She tickles her camel toe

Our genitals are Ju…

That Marisa Tomei is hot

Our genitals are Juliet

Our hands are Romeo

I’m gonna play ball on team penis, tonight

Jon Lajoie Vaginal Hubris

Yo, This song’s dedicated to a very confident woman

That’s right, this goes out to my sister in law, Jenny.

What? What?

She’s proud of her pussy, her peach, her bearded clam is well groomed.

Thinks that she’s the real deal, all other pussies are cartoons.

Her vagina is a church and her clit is the steeple, her vulva’s one of Barbera Walters’ most fascinating people.

She’s got Vaginal Hubris, Vaginal Hubris

According to her vag all other pussies are useless.

Vaginal Hubris, Vaginal Hubris.

Her pussy confidence is unbreakable like Bruce Willis.

She said you’re never gonna leave, I’ve got the best sausage wallet.

Other guys would kill to get inside this cock socket.

I said, You may be overconfident you see, cause there’s a lot of fresh fish in this vaginal sea.

She said, My pussy is a 10 and your dick is a 3, you’ll never find any better so you’re never gonna leave.

I said, Guess what girl? I’m leaving, I want out of this.

Cause your way too confident and it’s my hypothesis that you’ve got Vaginal Hubris, Vaginal Hubris

If her pussy made movies, it’d be Stanley Kubrick.

Vaginal Hubris, Vaginal Hubris.

She assumes that her Muffhammed Ali never loses.

Vaginal Hubris, Vaginal Hubris

If coochies were the News, She’d be Huey Lewis.

Put your hands in the air if you ever really get when you take off your underwear.

She may be overconfident, but maybe her pussy sings and dances like Fred Astaire.

Let’s get on the highway, taking the car pool lane.

Jon Lajoie Very Super Famous

Aw, yeah, drop the beats

In the planet of the Earth I am the most famous person of the world

Everybody knows who I am, even the people who don’t know who I am

Because…

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous

You are not, so you are shit

All around the world, people know who I am

Even in the Chinese countries like Japan

North, South, East, West, to East

I make their panties wet like basements in New Orleans

In the France language, girls say, “Montre-moi tes génitaux!”

Spanish girls also say things, but I don’t know

What they’re talking about ’cause I don’t speak Spanish at all

But they’re probably talking about how my penis is super not-small

I led the Vaginist Revolution in Russia

They call me the Cockadile Hunter in Australia

Wait, that sounds like I hunt penises–I don’t; I do chicks

In Iraq they found WMD’s–Women on My Dick

I’m Osama Bin-Semen, the vaginal terrorist

On 69/11, I took down two chicks

And a third girl inexplicably collapsed on her own

Sorry, I just watched “Loose for Change,” the pornspiracy video

German girls devour my franksquirter in Germany

I raise my rod in Egypt and I split the Red Sea

By that, I mean I had sex with a girl on her period–that’s right

I don’t mind ketchup on my hotdog as long as the bun is tight

In England, the girls ask me to be or not to be

The person who will take their anal virginity

I always do, but I still make sure to use a condom

‘Cause my sperm’s so famous it could make you pregnant in your bum

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous

You are not, so you are shit

If a lot of people know who you are, it means you’re a talented artist

In order to be super-famous, you have to be the most smartest

When I’m on the red carpets or at celebrity parties

Fat kids are on my dick like hot bitches on Smarties

More people know me than there are people on the Earth

In all the thousands of countries people are singin’ my words

Even in the countries where people die ’cause they’re so poor

They save up to buy my album instead of going to the grocery store

‘Cause I’m more famous than food–that’s right, you heard me

More people know me than there are people who know how to eat

I’m more famous than mountains, I’m more famous than watches

And if you wanna hang with me, make sure your panties are crotchless

I’m like Lee Harvey Oswald, I shoot really fast

All over your face until your head flies back

Back, back and to the left, back, back and to the left

For your safety, wear a helmet and a semen-proof vest

Yeah, the Eiffel Tower is a lot like my dick

It’s big and it stings when soap gets inside the tip

My sex moves are like the movie “Die Hard With A Vengeance”

They’re awesome…and Jeremy Irons is a good bad guy

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous

You are not, so you are shit

The girls up North wanna get all up in my butt

‘Cause even though I’m Canadian, I’m more famous than Canada

I’ll light a dick-fire to warm up your cold vagina-hands

Then I’ll cover you in white like the Klu-Klux Klan

All the Mexicans love me down in South America

From Colombia to Brazil all the way to Algeria

I’m Che Vagina, I liberate girls from oppressive pants

I’m Fidel Asstro, the Dictator of Ass

I’m Sodomy Hussein, the King of Being Hung

I’m Queen Ejizzabeth, I wear a crown of cum

I’m President Hard-as-a-Rock Obama

I’m reforming the health care system–wait, that wasn’t sexual…

Proparopzzi follows me every day of my life

I’m like Princess Diana except I am alive

I’m like AIDS, everyone has heard of me

I’m Happiest Inside Vagina, I got HIV

I’m on the cover of magazines, the headline of the newspaper

Reads, “Hide Your Daughter! MC Vagina’s Gonna Rape Her!”

Whoa, whoa, what? I, I didn’t write that

[Sorry, sorry, that was me, my bad]

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous, a lot of people know I exist

I am very super-famous, super-famous, super-famous (BITCH!)

Very super-famous

You are not, so you are shit

Aw yeah, fame is like a tree: It helps you get pussy

For all you French ladies out there, “Le feu sur le cheval était brisée…Bitches.”

I’m outta here, I’m going to a party with other famous people like Puff Diddy and Brad Pitts

Peace off!