Hello, and welcome to “Talking Video Games.”
Today’s subject is “Games with Simple Plots.”
I’d like to welcome our guests.
Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?
YES HELLO MY NAME IS PAC-MAN AND I EAT DOTS AND FRUIT
My name is Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy.
Hi, I’m Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII. My game’s plot is pretty simple. It goes like this…
I was a mercenary working for the AVALANCHE gang
Awesome eco-terrorists who you’d probably wanna bang
I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid
And got shot into a slum, where I could have gotten “squaids.”
That’s squirrel AIDS, for anyone who’s wondering at home
Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone
Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard
She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard
Okay Cloud, this is getting complex
So I’m gonna move on to one of our other guests —
I knew that Aerith was a Cetra
…excuse me, I was singing–
She could lead us to a Promised Land where energy was springing
I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained (Um –)
There I met Red XIII, a talking lion with a mane (Cloud –)
The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth
A super-evil JENOVA-style monster clone jerkoff (Hey!–)
We learned about JENOVA, got our things and then departed
Wait, I’m totally confused–
I haven’t even gotten started
We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid, and Yuffie
We had gotten very tired, and my balls were kinda poofy
So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on
Until Sephiroth killed her, and then she turned into a swan (What?!–)
WAIT! That didn’t happen. Sorry, let me get rebooted
This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted
An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December
Then some other shit went down that I don’t seem to remember
You’re using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest
So let’s hear from one of our many other fine guests
Q*bert, what’s your game about?
I jump on blocks!
And you, Asteroids ship?
[Asteroids ship (Ego):]
I blow up rocks.
Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells
To make a giant Meteor, and blow Gaia to hell
[Glass Joe (Danny):]
Wait, that doesn’t make sense, how on earth would you know…?
Shut your stupid French mouth
No-one asked you, Glass Joe! GOD!
I’m so sorry
I’m gonna cut your story short
Your plot is way too friggin’ crazy, and we’ve got
One more guest we need to meet
And here he is now!
Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street!
Fuck you, Frogger!
I killed Hojo and I went to the planet’s core
Sit down, Ninja Gaiden! I’m not done, you stupid whore!
We defeated Sephiroth, who was now in god-like form
And we cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm
The Lifestream stopped the Meteor, the whole planet was saved
[Dig Dug (Danny):]
After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave
You got somethin’ to say, Dig Dug?! You wanna fucking go —
wait why’s this hose in my ass OH JESUS GOD NO!!! —