Starbomb Inky’s Lament

[Narrator (Egoraptor):] Once upon a time in 1982

There were four young ghosts who lived under the iron fist of Pacman

[Blinky (Egoraptor):] He just ate a power pellet! Run!

[Egoraptor:] Oh no! He’s coming!

[Inky (Danny Sexbang):] No! Not today, my friends

[Blinky:] Inky?! But what are you doing?!

[Inky:] I’m finally taking my stand, Blinky

Hear my words

I want to be free

Free from this maze

I am a ghost, why can’t I just fly away?

The cruel yellow monster is not what he seems

These people pay a quarter but it costs us our dreams!

Oh, God!

Gonna waka waka walk away

From Pacman’s tyranny

I say!

I shall taste freedom tonight!

We ride off of the side of the screen

Okay, it looks like we’re back out at the first side of the screen

That’s fine!

At least there are delicious cherries to eat

They’re my favorite food

And are you gonna eat those too Pacman–

No that’s fucking great

Gonna waka waka walk away

From these chains holding me

Hooray!

My moment of triumph comes today…

[Blinky:] Oh my God Inky watch out Pacman’s right behind you!

Death has come for us all!

[Inky:] Shit!

Starbomb Mega Marital Problems

[Spoken:]

[Wily (Danny Sexbang):]

Hello, Mega Man. And Mrs. Mega Man.

Welcome to couples’ therapy. I’m Dr. Wily.

[Mega Man (Egoraptor):]

Dr. Wily? You’re a therapist now?

But you’re evil, and bent on world domination!

[Wily:]

Not anymore. Those days are behind me.

Don’t question it! Shut up. Just tell me the problem over this hot beat.

[Mega Man:]

Okay…

[Music]

[Mega Man:]

Well you see, Doc, I got a pretty nice life

A Mega House with two kids, and a hot Mega Wife

But I got a little problem with my android bride

When it comes to making love, she’s never satisfied

[Mrs. Mega (Danny):]

We’ve been fucking for decades! Sex has gotten routine!

We gotta spice that shit up, I’m not a total machine!

I’m sick of all the romance, and the cuddles, and the love

It’s time to get dirty and do all the weird stuff!

[Wily:]

It would be seeming to me that the problem here

Is you don’t listen to your wife, she is being clear

[Mega Man:]

But she says the same thing, like a tape recorder!

[Wily:]

Quiet! The doctor is talking — there must be ORDER!

…Sorry, I’m not evil anymore.

You must beat the Robot Masters to acquire skills

And then use them on your wife when she is getting drilled

Maybe she likes shocks from Elec Man’s beam

Or getting burnt by fireballs; she’s a freaky man’s dream

[Mega Man:]

Is that what you want, hon? A Robot Master?

[Mrs. Mega:]

Get out and do it, you stupid bastard!

[Wily:]

Your marriage will be healthy like pure springwater

Now leave my office before you are SLAUGHTERED!

[Mega Man:]

Fine, I’ll kick ass if it saves my marriage

For the satisfaction of my lady’s undercarriage

First I’ll take on Fire Man, not much of a test

Oh, your weakness is ice? I woulda never fucking guessed.

Now Ice Man is here, this shouldn’t take up too much time

Oh, is your weakness fire? You just blew my fucking mind.

I cut Cut Man and he’s gonna need stitches

Bomb and Elec Man just went down like little bitches

[Zero (Danny):]

Wait, you douchebag, I’m gonna end your life

I am Mega Man Zero, and I’m here to plow your wife

I bring sex moves from the future, and my skills are vast

Like my super double ultra mega nutbuster cumblast (Oh!)

Women can’t resist my blonde flowing locks

I’ll slap a stamp right on my package and deliver your wife the cock

My shining armor is red, the color of victory

While your fruity suit is blue, like your balls will soon be

[Spoken:]

[Zero:]

Wait! What are you doing…?

[Mega Man:]

Mega Dick… ACTIVATE!

[Music]

[Wily:]

So Mega Man harnessed all the powers of the Masters

And killed Zero with his mega laser schlong-blaster

And then he banged his wife until she screamed “Yes! More!”

Then she loved him again, ’cause she’s a SHALLOW WHORE

[Spoken:]

[Wily:]

Sorry, that was misogynistic.

She is a whore, though.

[Mega Man:]

What did you say?!

[Wily:]

Nothing!

…Douche.

Starbomb Outro

[Egoraptor:]

1 2 3, I gotta go pee

[Danny Sexbang:]

Woah, woah, sorry to interrupt this amazing rap Egoraptor

but we’re out of time for this album

[Egoraptor:]

What really?

[Danny Sexbang:]

Yeah, we’re gonna have to save all our raps for the next Starbomb album

[Egoraptor:]

Oh my god ANOTHER ALBUM!

[Danny Sexbang:]

You better believe it

it’s totally a thing that’s happening

[Egoraptor:]

Dude it’s gonna be amazing

[Danny Sexbang:]

It’s gonna be so crazy,

Hey producer Dave can you stop the music for a second

[Music stops]

Hey Dan? You wanna see how close I can get to the mic?

[Dan:] I bet I can get closer.

[Ego:] No I bet I can get closer…

[Dan:] I bet I can get closer….

[Egoraptor:]

I bet I……agggaaahahahhhaaahahgggaakkk

see you next album

hahahahahah

Starbomb Robots In Need Of Disguise

[Narrator:]

Rolling out motherfuckers it’s the Robots in Disguise

Led by Optimus Prime, a bot whose power never dies

Cars and vans and planes, fuckin’ construction trucks

They’re going under cover cause Decepticons don’t give a fuck.

[Optiumus:]

Autobots it’s time for rolling out.

[Kid:]

Oh my God, that truck is Optimus without a doubt!

[Optiumus:]

Uh, no I’m not.

[Kid:]

Yes you are my dearest robot bro

You guys been on my lunch box since the 19 fuckin’ 80’s yo

[Optiumus:]

Oh balls, Autobots listen here

I think it’s time to try to find another way to disappear

New disguises that our enemies can never recognize

Bumblebee become a burger! Prowl you are a side of fries!

[Bumblebee:]

Huh?

[Optiumus:]

Do it! Don’t you wanna light our darkest hour

Jazz you are a birthday cake, you got the touch I got the flour!

[Chorus:]

Autobots, roll out

Let’s show them what we’re all about

We’ll catch’em by surprise

When we’re in disguise

As a trout, flower sprouts

And a tiny Asian girl scout

Now the time has come

To rock the Decepti-scum

You better be alert

Cause we can now convert

To a skirt polo shirt

And a little mound of wet dirt

Megatron will pay

As soon as I take on the form of this delightful souffle, OK!

[Narrator:]

After hours and hours of transforming into stuff

The Autobots decided on a plan that’s super duper tough

[Optiumus:]

Those Decepti-dicks won’t see us coming at all

When we roll up together as random kiosks at the local mall

Who’d even take to guess

That Bumblebee is selling cell phone chargers for 3 dollars less, I said

They’ll never know we’re here

While we’re hawking beauty products making teenage acne disappear

As if they could stop Ratchet before bitch

He’s combined with Ironhide to form a turkey sandwich

And I haven’t even mentioned the ace that’s up my sleeve

He rocks a jet engine that’ll make your ears bleed

He’ll betray Megatron plus he’s boisterous and loud

This is your moment come on Starscream now break it down!

[Starscream:]

Hey, this…I’m Starscream-

[Optiumus:]

What?

[Starscream:]

I just…I just wanted say that Megatron you-

[Optiumus:]

Speak up man.

[Starscream:]

Megatron you’re going down I’m gonna win.

[Optiumus:]

Spea- [Starscream giggling]

[Starscream:]

I’m gonna win, I’m Starscream

[Optiumus:]

Oh, come on!

[Starscream:]

Starscream rules [Starscream giggling]

[Optiumus:]

Alright, you know what forget it!

[Chorus:]

Autobots let’s fight

These enemies with all our might

Time to do what’s right

And transform tonight

To 5 kites, egg whites

And a family of field mice

The Decepticons

Are now ten tanks and a giant gun

Well Grimlock’s a rake

And I’m a warm milkshake

There’s a small chance that we made a very tiny mistake

Well it’s too late now

We’re the good guys and I’m sure that everything will work out

[Optiumus:]

Megatron, you’re going down- [Gunshots]

[Starscream:]

Optimus I had real.. I a-

[Optiumus:]

Starscream, SHUT UP!

[Starscream:]

Oh, mmm-k.

Starbomb It’s Dangerous To Go Alone

[Ego of Time:]

Hey

Hey

Alright

Yeah

Aww yeah

My name is Link, y’all, I’m straight outta Hyrule

Been on the force o’ good since 1986, old school

I’m bringin’ you a laid-back summertime jam

[Old Man:]

Hold on a minute Link!

[Link:]

Hey, what’s up old man?

[Old Man:]

I see that you’re embarkin’ on another epic quest

You’re gonna use your ocarina to rescue the princess

But you’ll need a magic weapon that’ll never ever miss

It’s dangerous to go alone, take this

[Link:]

Oh, thanks Old Man, that is really very nice

I can always count on you for help and friendly advice

Though I’ve never seen a sword of quite that shape or size

Oh God, that’s not a sword! It’s your dick in disguise

[Old Man:]

Yes, I can’t lie, I have painted my schween

Now grab your destiny if you know what I mean

Wait a minute Link, don’t leave the cave, where do you think you’re going?

This is a great chance to fondle a scrotum that you’re blowing

[Link:]

That. Was. Weird, but whatever there is no time to lose

I gotta warp on outta Zelda in this chilled out groove

Wait, this isn’t Ganon’s lair, I’m in Liberty City

This place looks just like Philadelphia but even more shitty

I’m at the corner of Dead Cop and Prostitute Junction

Something in my Ocarina must have gone and malfunctioned

I gotta fix it quickly there is justice to do

[Old Man:]

Hold on a minute Link!

[Link:]

Old Man, is that you?

[Old Man:]

This is a place you can’t survive with just your sword and your wits

It’s dangerous to go alone, take this

[Link:]

Well that’s really kind o- D’aaah! That’s your wrinkled dick again

Look, I know I wear a tunic but I’m not into men

[Old Man:]

Don’t be that way bitch let me introduce you

To my three best friends Mr. Johnson and the Juice Crew

If you see the Princess Zelda, well you know you’re gonna grab her

So why don’t you try to come grab my inflatable poo jabber

[Link:]

OH MY God!

I gotta warp outta here, Princess Zelda awaits

I must defeat Ganondorf before it gets too late

Okay, now I really don’t know where I am

[Old Man:]

Hold on a minute Link!

[Link:]

God DAMN it, Old Man!

[Old Man:]

You’re in Raccoon City, it’s a zombie abyss

It’s dangerous to go alone, take-

[Link:]

NO!

Fuck you!

Fuck you, I’m not giving you a-

Not touching your we-

Stop the chilled out groove!

Jeez!

You come in here telling me you got a weewee weapon

It’s not cool, I’m not gonna touch it, I’m not gonna splllllNO!

[Old Man:]

So is that a “No” on the handjob or…? Okay.

Starbomb Atari Mystery Hour

[Announcer (Egoraptor):] This week on the Atari Mystery Hour, the Pong Paddle Puzzle!

[Johnson (Danny Sexbang):] Chief! Looks like we’ve got a murder on our hands! One of the Pong paddles is dead, and the ball is missing

[Chief (Egoraptor):] Alright then Johnson, round up the usual suspect

[Announcer (Egoraptor):] One hour later

[Chief (Egoraptor):] I know it was you left paddle. What do you have to say for yourself?

[Pong noise]

[Chief (Egoraptor):] You son of a bitch!

Starbomb The Simple Plot Of Final Fantasy 7

[Spoken:]

[Danny Sexbang:]

Hello, and welcome to “Talking Video Games.”

Today’s subject is “Games with Simple Plots.”

I’d like to welcome our guests.

Would each of you please say who you are, and give a brief summary of the plot of your game?

[Pac-Man (Egoraptor):]

YES HELLO MY NAME IS PAC-MAN AND I EAT DOTS AND FRUIT

[DK (Danny):]

My name is Donkey Kong, I throw barrels at a guy.

[Cloud (Ego):]

Hi, I’m Cloud Strife from Final Fantasy VII. My game’s plot is pretty simple. It goes like this…

[music]

[Cloud:]

I was a mercenary working for the AVALANCHE gang

Awesome eco-terrorists who you’d probably wanna bang

I got trapped in a reactor shortly after my last raid

And got shot into a slum, where I could have gotten “squaids.”

That’s squirrel AIDS, for anyone who’s wondering at home

Anyway, I met a girl inside the Midgar zone

Her name was Aerith and I soon became her bodyguard

She knew how to work a staff, and she made my body hard

[Danny:]

Okay Cloud, this is getting complex

So I’m gonna move on to one of our other guests —

[Cloud:]

I knew that Aerith was a Cetra

[Danny:]

…excuse me, I was singing–

[Cloud:]

She could lead us to a Promised Land where energy was springing

I went to rescue her, but I was captured and detained (Um –)

There I met Red XIII, a talking lion with a mane (Cloud –)

The president of Shinra was shot by Sephiroth

A super-evil JENOVA-style monster clone jerkoff (Hey!–)

We learned about JENOVA, got our things and then departed

[Danny:]

Wait, I’m totally confused–

[Cloud:]

I haven’t even gotten started

We met Cait Sith, as well as Vincent, Cid, and Yuffie

We had gotten very tired, and my balls were kinda poofy

So Aerith let us rest, her tired ass continued on

Until Sephiroth killed her, and then she turned into a swan (What?!–)

WAIT! That didn’t happen. Sorry, let me get rebooted

This is sort of where the plot gets a little convoluted

An earthquake happened, then it started snowing like December

Then some other shit went down that I don’t seem to remember

[Danny:]

You’re using up the whole show, Cloud, please take a rest

So let’s hear from one of our many other fine guests

Q*bert, what’s your game about?

[Q*bert (Ego):]

I jump on blocks!

[Danny:]

And you, Asteroids ship?

[Asteroids ship (Ego):]

I blow up rocks.

[Cloud:]

Back to my story, Sephiroth was casting spells

To make a giant Meteor, and blow Gaia to hell

[Glass Joe (Danny):]

Wait, that doesn’t make sense, how on earth would you know…?

[Cloud:]

Shut your stupid French mouth

No-one asked you, Glass Joe! GOD!

[Danny:]

I’m so sorry

I’m gonna cut your story short

Your plot is way too friggin’ crazy, and we’ve got

One more guest we need to meet

And here he is now!

[Frogger (Danny):]

Hi, my name is Frogger, and I try to cross the street!

[Cloud:]

Fuck you, Frogger!

I killed Hojo and I went to the planet’s core

Sit down, Ninja Gaiden! I’m not done, you stupid whore!

We defeated Sephiroth, who was now in god-like form

And we cast a Holy spell to stop the asteroid storm

The Lifestream stopped the Meteor, the whole planet was saved

[Dig Dug (Danny):]

After hearing that plot, I think I have to go shave

[Cloud:]

You got somethin’ to say, Dig Dug?! You wanna fucking go —

wait why’s this hose in my ass OH JESUS GOD NO!!! —

[explosion]

Starbomb Rap Battle: Ryu Vs. Ken

[Intro:]

[Egoraptor:] Hey Ken

[Danny Sexbang:] What’s up, Ryu?

[Ego:] You know I think you’re a fucking dick right?

[Dan:] Yeah?

[Ego:] Well, I think we should settle this shit once and for all with a rap battle to the death

[Dan:] Okay

[Ego:] Do you think you can stop eating penis long enough to do that?

[Dan:] Probably

[Ego:] Alright, let’s do this!

[Ego:] Round 1! Rap!

[Verse 1 – Egoraptor:]

Fuck you, Ken, you’re such a little fucking bitch

I’m gonna break your fucking spine in half and throw you in a ditch

Start up the fucking beat and drop the motherfucking bass

So I can shoot a load of Hadouken all over your face

I’ll break your glass jaw like it was made of fucking straw, man

Shredding you up worse than Vega fapping with his claw hand

Cammy and Chun-Li don’t think you’re sexy at all

They’re both coming home with me, one for each of my balls

Like the bonus round car your ass is getting destroyed

My cock is more swollen than Zangief’s thyroid

Your dick’s three inches hard, I’m working with a soft ten

So what you got to motherfucking say to me, Ken?

[Verse 2 – Danny Sexbang:]

I really don’t appreciate those things that you just said

I was raised to respect others, and sometimes words can be hurtful

And I just, I, I just think that maybe-

Yo, an apology is in order

[Ego:] Round 2! Rap!

[Verse 3 – Egoraptor:]

It’s my honest suspicion

You’re gonna want a physician

Only morticians are the one to help your future condition

Cause me whooping on your ass is a time honored tradition

So now I’ll do it even faster in the Turbo edition

Watch your back, bitch, I’m gonna make you scream

My dick shoots farther than the arm of Dhalsim

Just like Sagat’s chest, you’re gonna need a skin graft

Now, please enjoy the tart, tangy taste of my shaft

My rhymes are fat like the sumo E. Honda

I’m the king of dick jungle with my giant anaconda

Harness my Chi to beat your ass with a Dao

So what you got to motherfucking say to me now?

[Verse 4:]

[Dan:]

Alright, two can play at this game, dick-penis man

Can you lose to me in a rap battle? Shoryuken! Heheh, heheheheh…

[Ego:] Hadouken!

[Dan:] You have proven that you are the best

You have Hadouken’d a giant hole in my chest

[Outro:]

[Ego:] Hey, you did it! You rhymed on beat!

[Dan:] Oh yeah, cool!

[Ego:] Yeah, great job, man! I knew you could do it

[Dan:] Thank you so much, I-I, I appreciate it

[Ego:] Tatsumaki Senpukyaku!

[Dan:] My scrotums…

Starbomb Smash!

[Egoraptor:]

It was a beautiful day, and everyone was excited

There was a picnic and the whole Nintendo crew was invited

Luigi stood up and said,

[Luigi (Danny Sexbang):]

Listen, everyone, I love you guys

You are my best friends in the world, you make me glad to be alive!

[Announcer (Markiplier):]

Excuse me!

Hi there, I’m the announcer for a fun new family game

It’s called Super Smash Brothers

[Luigi:]

That sounds nice, how do we play?

[Announcer:]

Well, first I’m gonna warp you into a world of hate and war

Where you’ll assault everyone you have ever known and loved before!

[Luigi:]

I don’t think I wanna do that.

[Announcer:]

Oh come on, it’ll be a bash.

Now grab all your little friends, ’cause it is time for us to MOTHERFUCKING SMASH!

[Danny Sexbang:]

Whoa-oh

[Luigi:]

Wait, no

[Danny Sexbang:]

Let’s go!

Kick the shit out of your friends!

[Luigi:]

That’s not cool

[Danny Sexbang:]

Have a blast as you beat their ass

And then they’re forced to clap for you in the end! (3 2 1 SMASH!)

Mario (Hey bro!) your chode

Has been destroyed, 200% (I need that chode!)

[Luigi:]

Can’t we all just get along?

[Danny Sexbang:]

Abso-fucking-lutely not you gotta SMASH!

[Egoraptor:]

The crowd was destroyed, hundreds of bystanders dead

Kirby held Donkey Kong captive in his huge disgusting head

Fox said:

[Fox (Egoraptor):]

Hey Mario, stop crying, just psyche up and fight instead

[Luigi:]

I’m Luigi, all these bloodstains make my overalls look red!

[Announcer:]

Sonic looked tough till Link kicked him in the stuff

The madness of cold-blooded murder’d overtaken Jigglypuff!

He blasted Bowser to infinity with one massive-ass hit

And then he took three Falcon Punches like it wasn’t even shit!

[Luigi:]

Is the time almost over? I can’t tell, my face is mashed.

[Announcer:]

Don’t worry Luigi the clock says 4 3 2 (Oh no) 1 SMASH!

[Danny Sexbang:]

Whoa-oh

[Luigi:]

This blows.

[Danny Sexbang:]

You know

When Mario and Peach team up you are screwed (You’re my own BROTHER!)

Pikachu’s way less fuckin’ cute when he is trying to electrocute you! (Pika PIII!)

Samus (What do you want?!) is pissed

You got a small amount of dirt on her suit (Oh you’re dead, bitch.)

[Luigi:]

That is the last goddamn straw…

[Announcer:]

Oh shit, I think Luigi’s gonna fucking SMASH!

[Luigi:]

Hey look at me now!

I’m beating up friends

I have no regrets, this is the fucking best!

Yes I can see now

We’re having fun in the end!

Now it all makes sense

[Spoken:]

I guess just because we smash each other doesn’t mean we’re not brothers. [punch] Aah! Mario, you suck!

[Mario (Egoraptor):]

Bite me!

Starbomb Toad Joins The Band

[Luigi (Danny Sexbang):] Wow, Mario! Our band is sounding great!

[Mario (Egoraptor):] I agree, Luigi! We just need a lead singer to take our songs to the top of the charts!

[Luigi:] How about Toad?

[Mario:] Uh-yes! Hey Toad, come over here and sing to this!

[Toad (Egoraptor):] HELLO!!!

HI!!!!

MARIO!!!!

AAAAHH!!!!

I’M TOAD!!!!!!

[Luigi:] Mario, can I talk to you over here about Toad for a second, please?

[Luigi:] I am scared, I am very scared, I hate my life

[Mario:] It’s was like a chicken screaming in my ears

His whole body’s shaped like a dick, though…

[Both:] Oooooooohhh…

[Luigi:] Good news, Toad! You’ve got-a the job!

[Toad:] HELLO!!!!!

[Luigi:] Ahh!