Starbomb Minecraft Is For Everyone

[Creeper (Egoraptor):]

Strolling, down the street, the square street

A fair sheet of square sleet below my feet

Creeper’s what they call me, but even I see, that all of this beauty can fill me with such glee

Look at this tall tree, It’s nature’s majesty

Would it be so bad if someone BLEW THE FUCK OUT OF IT?!?!?

This sweet pig here, alone walking around, he has the perfect face for GETTING RIPPED FROM THE INSIDE FUCKING OUT!

[Player (Danny Sexbang):] Hey Mr. Creeper!

[Creeper:] WHAT?!?!?

[Player:] There’s no need for that kind of language

[Creeper:] FUCK YOU!

[Player:] The only F word is fun!

Life’s even sweeter without explosions!

Minecraft is for everyone! Hurray!

Let’s all be nice today, everyone is at play

And there’s no need to blow them away!

[Those Two Guys (Danny Sexbang):] Oh, hi!

[Player:] Let’s go help those two guys build a house and…

[BOOM]

Nope, nope, see, this is exactly what I’m talking about

If you’ve gotta curse, just say the word fudge, that way no one will judge…

[BOOM]

Stop! No more exploding or cursing, no one else has to die! Okay?

[Creeper:] Fuck it, I’ll try

[Player:] Okay, we’re off to a bad start, but that’s fine

[Creeper:] I’m on a nice kick, I’ll make some friends quick!

I don’t have many because everyone’s a huge diii-aaauugh

I have to admit, I just might lose it, having to give up my favorite things is funky bullshrimp!

Oh man, it’s hard not to be mean

[Notch:] Hey guys, do you need any help writing lyrics?

[Creeper:] No, you don’t know anything about Minecraft music!

[Notch:] But- but I’m Notch!

[Creeper:] More like NOTCH-yo song!

Oh shhhugar-snap peas I went there!

[Player:] Tee Hee! We’re so happy and free!

Let’s clear away the debris from all the ruined lives of your killing spree!

It’s fun! To be nice to some one, they’ll really love you a ton!

[Creeper:] You know what? Why don’t you kneel down and kiss my creepy-

[Player:] BUNS! There’s so much love and magic in rapture, hearts will be captured!

[Creeper:] Monkey Fighting Glass Bowl Mother Scratcher!

[Player:] We just learned a lesson, Creepers can make amends!

Guess what? You’re my new Frie-

[BOOM]

Starbomb Kirby’s Adventures In Reamland

[Egoraptor:]

Hey, Kirby’s in Dreamland, gonna eat all your shit!

Including you!

Yo, Dreamland’s where it’s motherfucking at

Seeing Dedede eat food cause he’s motherfucking fat

There’s a little pink bastard

Who’s eating even faster

His name is Kirby, bitch, and he’s the motherfucking master

Eats big things, spits them out with great force

So that got me thinking ’bout my dick of course

You know he’s DTF, this ain’t Super Smash Brothers

Kirby’s banned from tournaments, for fucking all your mothers

[Danny Sexbang:]

Ninja Sex Party and Kirby

Egoraptor, getting dirty

You got six inches, we got thirty

(Each, motherfucker!)

It’s time to turn down all the lights

Make sure the mood is right

Cause we are slamming Kirby tonight

[Egoraptor:]

That’s right I’m fucking Kirby in the back of my car

He’s transporting on my dick like it’s a motherfucking Warp Star

You never see his tongue, but you better know it’s there

Cause once he’s got it sprung, you gotta look it up on FourSquare

Three bitches just checked up into that shit

Zelda, Peach and Lolo’s girlfriend like a big banana split

Kirby’s dick’s a yellow fruit, just chilling in the middle

Hanging over each edge, make your Double Dees appear little

Scratch that bitch, that he’s sucking on a Twinkie

Dip the cream on their lips, wipe it off with girly pinkies

Everyone satisfied when that little pink guy

Starts creeping up their thighs

But they better get in line

Cause I’m fucking Kirby tonight

And I’ll never have a better night

A better night

[Meta Knight (Danny):]

Excuse me! Did somebody say Meta Knight?

[Egoraptor:]

No! Fuck off!

[Danny:]

He’s like a little pink potato

Sucking on balls like they’re Metamatos

Screaming “Oh God” like a double rainbow

(What does it mean, motherfucker?)

It can’t be wrong if it feels right

We’re painting Dreamland white

Cause we are slamming Kirby tonight

Fuck yeah!

Starbomb Mortal Kombat High

[Johnny Cage (Egoraptor):]

Hey

Welcome to Mortal Kombat High School

You’re the new transfer student from Street Fighter High, right?

[Ken Masters (Danny Sexbang):]

Yeah, I’m Ken

I like wearing red and making friends

Yay!

[Johnny:]

What’s up, I’m Johnny Cage

Let me show you around

I’ll introduce you to the crew

And tell you how to get down

That hottie doing homework over there is Sonya Blade

She’s the most popular girl in our whole entire grade

And that’s Liu Kang, his kick flip helped the track team win the relay race

Mileena’s sorta sexy, but she’s kinda got a butter face

And over there is Raiden, he’s the smartest kid in class

And this is Shang Tsung, he’ll pull your spine out through your ass

[Ken:] What?

[Danny Sexbang:]

You’re in Mortal Kombat High

Where the girls are fly

And there’s a pretty good chance you’ll die

Like a hundred five percent, baby

That’s right

It’s time to test your might

So take your best friend and impale him on these spikes

[Ken:] Johnny Cage, I don’t know if I’m gonna fit in at this school

[Johnny:]

Hey, don’t worry, Ken

The students here are super chill and cool

Scorpion’s romantic and he’s gentle as a deer

Look, listen to the new love song he wrote

It’s called, “Come Here!”

[Danny:] La la la la la la la la la

[Scorpion (Egoraptor):] Come here!

[Ken:] Agh!

[Danny:] A la la la la la la la la la

[Scorpion:] Get over here!

[Ken:] Ah!

[Johnny:]

This is Goro, he’s a demon

And he really loves to kill

He’s pull your nutsack up over your head

And roll you down a hill

And Kano, he is criminally insane

oh, by the way, though

If I say so, I can make Sub-Zero crush your skull like Play-Doh

The moral is Street Fighter High can’t deal with the fatalities

And if you fuck with us, your death is an eventuality

You better watch your back, ’cause we will be watching you closely

And if you step to us, you know that ass is gettin’ toasty!

[Danny:]

Yeah-eah-ah!

It’s prime time for romance

Make Kitana your deal

She’ll decapitate you with the fans

There’s a chance

you will not survive this dance

There are so many wondrous ways for us to kill your ass

[Johnny:]

Killed at a blood transfusion!

Donatality!

Stabbed while ejaculating!

Masturbatality!

Eating too much pasta!

Carbohydratality!

I’m having trouble peeing

That’s a prostatetality!

Killed as you’re conceived!

Procreatality!

¡Muerte Español!

Translatality!

Cut by triple axel!

Figure skatality!

[Ken:]

I like it when a girl has a nice personality!

Ahem

I’ll see myself out

Starbomb The Book Of Nook

[Nook (Egoraptor):]

Oh, shit, let’s play Animal Crossing now

Come on everybody I’ll show you how

Now listen real close, I’ma tell you the sitch

Cause my name is Tom Nook and I run this bitch

Congratulations, you bought a new home

Oh, you can’t afford it? I can give you a loan

You can catch some bugs till the debt’s been paid

Cause you’re the newest member of my slave trade

That’s right motherfucker, this shit got real

I rule this crossing with my balls of steel

I also like to rule it with huge ass guns

And Timmy and Tommy, my giant mongoloid sons

Kapp’n the turtle’s gonna be your new guide

Who can show you where the people who have crossed me died

So give me your bells and don’t misbehave

Or I’ll get Mr. Resetti to fucking dig you a grave

[Danny Sexbang:]

Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing is not a place you wanna fuck around

Now you’re in Nook’s town

Where crazy shit goes down

So sell seashells and make some bells and shut your fucking mouth

Animal Crossing, Animal Crossing, this is his land

Now taste the back of his pimp hand

His balls are brass

And he’s the mayor of your fucking ass

[Nook:]

Damn, that’s right, slut

You got once choice, bow down or get cut

You better recognize the tanuki tycoon

And my thug life gang of adorable goons

My owl assassin with a little bow tie

You don’t matter to Blathers, he’ll make your ass die

He’ll tell you ’bout insects, letters and numerals

And he’ll get K.K. to fucking sing at your funeral

Kicks sells shoes and he doesn’t take sass

And my boots are beautiful when I stomp your ass

Brewster serves you coffee and scones

And stabs your neck if you don’t pay my loan

So sell some shit to my alpacas down south

And if you don’t, I’ll-pack-a my nuts in your mouth

You want in this town, you better bring some bells

Or I’ll cock the Glock and fucking send you to hell

[Outro:]

[Nook:]

Yeah!

What, you don’t like my prices?

Then go somewhere else!

Oh wait, you can’t; you’re trapped in my town, bitch!

So go to that island, and catch some beetles, sell them to my alpacas

Your nuts are on special!

Starbomb God Of No More

[Kratos (Egoraptor):]

I am Kratos, The Destroyer

I’m the harbinger of death

All of the Gods tremble before me

As they draw their final breath

In my first twelve games, I murdered every Lord the earth has seen

Now what immortal foes await me here in God of War 13?

[Chaires (Danny Sexbang):]

Kratos, you are power mad!

You’re evil and insane!

Your killing streak was vicious

Now only us lesser Gods remain

You slayed my father, Ares

The overlord of endless war

So now you’ll face me, Chaires

The overlord of Chairs and Drawers!

Let’s do this!

[Chorus – Danny:]

The world’s out of control (Zeus and his clan are gone!)

Kratos killed them all

And now we’re running out of Gods

The ones that we have left…

They’re not the best, but they’re our last line of defense

So, here comes Spermes

The God of Busting Nuts

The Mighty Twerkules

He is the Lord of Jiggly Butts

And no, not all is lost

We have Posoydon sacred God of Sushi Sauce

[Kratos:]

Enough!

Don’t mock me with these weaklings

I could slay with my bare hands!

I killed the God of Love, the God of Light, and the God of One-Night Stands!

I killed the God of Tweezers, Puppets, Speedos, Footballs, Skiis, and Sand

And I even ayed-slay the ittle-lay itch-bay od-gay of Pig Latin! (slayed the little bitch God)

[Danny:]

No more of these pathetic pawns

Their blood has all been spilled

We shall unleash a champion

That’s worthy of your skill

Now here he is, from distant lands

Our savior so divine

[Egoraptor:]

What’s up, Kratos?

I’m the God of Baked Potatoes

Ow, my spine!

[Chorus – Danny:]

Holy shit there’s more

He’s mowing through them all

There goes the God of S’mores

And also Thumbtacks, Lamps, and Balls

Just one last God remains

Who is this mystery lord?

He shall save our domain!

I am the God of That Thing Where You’re Just About To Sneeze

But Then Your Friend is All “Hey, what’s up?”

And You Suddenly Freeze

But Then You Still Have That Nose Tingle

It’s A Horrible Tease

And You’re Like “Fuck!”

[Outer:]

Auughhh!

Agh, Kratos, you are such a dick!

[Kratos:] Yes, I know

It’s awesome

Starbomb Regretroid

[Egoraptor and Danny Sexbang:]

There was a bounty hunter in the depths of space

And she could easily combine your stupid ass with your face

Her name was Samus Aran, and she would destroy Metroids

When she wasn’t totally pissed, she was extremely annoyed

She stood up to every challenge, no matter however demanding

And her courage was amazing, and her boobies were outstanding

[Samus (Emily Valentine):]

WHAT?!

[Egoraptor:]

Uh, nothing! I was just saying that you’re brave

Uh… okay… hey, look over there! It’s Kraid!

[Kraid (Danny):]

I’m the strongest dragon that you’ve ever seen

You’re gonna die, motherfucker, I take up five screens

I’m gonna swallow you whole, and then you’ll go down easy!

Then you’ll be digested and converted to feces!

I’ll take off your helmet, see the fear in your eyes

And your beautiful hair, and your well-toned thighs

And your pillowy lips and… wait, you’re not a guy?

[Samus:]

Is that a problem, you FUCK?!

[Kraid:]

Uh… no! Prepare to die!

[Ego and Danny:]

Kraid was hesitating, but Samus was set to fight

She got into a battle stance that made her butt look super-tight

And Kraid said;

[Kraid:]

No wait, I think there has been a gigantic mistake

I actually just wanted to give you some desserts that I baked

[Ego:]

But Samus said;

[Samus:]

What pisses me off most in this world

Is when enemies get nice when they all find out I’m a girl

So do me a favor, and take your cakes and your pies

And shove them so far up your ass that they end up behind your eyes!

Stop treating me like I’m a sex object!

Mother Brain’s a woman, but she gets respect!

[Mother Brain (Egoraptor):]

Yeah, Kraid, you never talk to ME that way!

[Kraid:]

Oh, gosh, I wonder if it’s because you’re a huge, disgusting brain!

[Samus:]

Get the fuck off my planet, this is your last chance!

[Kraid:]

I’m gonna go ahead and slide out of my pants

[Samus:]

That’s it, you’re all fucking dead!

[Kraid:]

What? This room feels stuffy

By the way, do you like puppies?

Here’s a basket of puppies!

[explosion sounds:]

[spoken:]

[Samus:]

Whoops. Killed the puppies.

Starbomb I Choose You To Die

[Egoraptor:]

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Egoraptor, Ninja Sex Party

GOTTA CATCH ‘EM ALL!

SMELL MY BALLS!

Yo, what up, bitch?

I’mma tell you a tale

‘Bout how Ash Ketchum got his ass sent to jail

Beat the Elite Four, won the tournament war

But he just couldn’t get the same rush as before

Fat and depressed, his life had gone south

So he turned to Pikachu and then he punched him in the Meowth

He felt so alive! He felt so real!

He beat all his Pokemon with his fists of Registeel

He got arrested for domestic violence

It was a crazy motherfuckin’ Cacturne of events

He said that Pika’s bruises happened on the stairs when he fell

The cops said “GRANBULL SHIT!” and threw that bitch in a cell

[Danny Sexbang:]

Rock on!

This is a fucked up tale of Pokemon gone wrong

Gone wrong

That’s right!

This shit is tight when Egoraptor’s at the mic

Bitch

[Egoraptor:]

Ash was in trouble as soon as he arrived

He Magnemite not make it out of prison alive

His lawyer ran in with a big state trooper

Bringing fiery news, like Charmanderson Cooper

It’s your lucky day, Pika posted your bail

So Ash found his little friend outside of the jail

But Pikachu was different, he had mentally snapped

Ash was Chandelure’d into his deadly trap

Pika pulled out a gun, and he said with a cry

“Suck a yellow dick, bro! I CHOOSE YOU TO DIE!”

“Don’t do it!” Yelled Ash, “You know I got your back!”

But Pika pulled the trigger, shot him twice in the sack

[Danny:]

Holy fuck!

I don’t know if you’ve been shot in the nuts!

Spoiler: It sucks

And oh Squirtle, gotta catch ’em all, but they might just ruin your balls

And poor Misty, again and a-Gengar she’ll have Gastly screams that Haunter dreams

But you’ll want more, and if you don’t we’ll beat your ass ’till it’s Bulbasaur

[Ego:]

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Pokemon.

Starbomb The Simple Plot Of Metal Gear Solid

[Host (Danny Sexbang):]

Hello, and welcome back to another episode of ‘Talking Video Games’

We continue today in our series of games with simple plots

Guests, please introduce yourselves and tell us the plots of your games

[Burger Time Chef (Egoraptor):] I’m the chef from Burger Time! I make-a the burgers!

[Centipede (Danny Sexbang):] Hello, I’m centipede. I just kinda move down the screen

[Solid Snake (Egoraptor):] Hey, I’m Snake from Metal Gear Solid. My game’s got a pretty simple story…

[Host:] Snake, I don’t see your name on the list…

[Solid Snake:] Ah, my friend Cloud Strife told me to come on this show and talk about it…

[Host:] Oh God, no…

[Solid Snake:]

It was the distant future, two thousand and five

All I wanted to do was chill out and retire

But genetically enhanced renegades, named Foxhound

Stole a bunch of nukes and had shit on lockdown

[Host:] Okay we’re past our time limit, Snake!

[Solid Snake:]

Colonel Campbell said I had to infiltrate

Before they start a nuclear conflict

What a bunch of jerks!

[Host:] You’re a bag of dicks

[Solid Snake:]

I climbed through an air vent and saved two guys

They shared top secrets and suddenly died

Of two heart attacks right out of thin air

Both within five minutes!

[Host:] Oh my God, I don’t care!

[Solid Snake:]

Then I met Meryl, a hot box of rocks

And I fought a gunslinger named Ocelot

But a cyborg ninja cut his hand away

You know, normal shit that happens every day

[Host:]

Listen Snake, there must have been a mistake

On this show you’ve got to get right to the point of your game

Like the ship from Galaga

[Galaga Ship (RubberNinja):] Hi, I shoot stuff in space

[Host:] And this car from Pole Position

[Pole Position Car (Egoraptor):] I’m a car!

[Host:] That’s great!

[Host:]

You know we’ve been through this before with your boy Cloud Strife

And he talked too long I contemplated ending my life

So let’s keep things nice and simple like the hero over there

From the Atari game Adventure

[Adventure Hero:] I’m literally just a yellow square!

[Solid Snake:]

Who cares

I tried really hard to find a mech named Rex

And the ninja came back in the mix like Chex

It was Grey Fox and I fought Vulcan Raven

A big motherfuckin’ Alaskan shaman

So I killed that guy but before he died

He said Meryl liked me, I almost cried

She’s a little hottie pants, ooh-meow!

[Host:] It would be so great if you died right now

[Solid Snake:]

I killed Sniper Wolf who was absurdly hot

And then murdered three guys and an evil robot

‘Til Liquid Snake and I were left alone

He said that I was his brother and a superior clone

Then he died of a virus and thinking fast

Meryl saved us

[Host:] I don’t give a frog’s fat ass

[Solid Snake:]

Then we stayed together until the seven year itch

And now you know the simple plot of Metal Gear bitch!

[Host:]

Listen Snake I’ve taken all I can take

Just because your game is simple doesn’t mean that it’s lame

Tell them, kid from Paperboy

[Paperboy (Egoraptor):] Yo, I deliver those papers!

[Host:] The guy from Elevator Action

[Elevator Action Guy (Egoraptor):] Uh, elevators?

[Host:] Okay!

Dear God

Why can’t I just have a single panel of guests

Who can say their plots in forty fuckin’ minutes or less

Now just watch me, Snake before you make me reach for a gun

I’ll summarize your game and show you how this shit is really motherfuckin’ done!

How it’s motherfuckin’ done!

“You sneak around and save the world. The End.”

My God, can I get a replacement guest with a simple plot please?

[Sora (Egoraptor):] Hi, I’m Sora from Kingdom Hearts!

[Host:] Nooooooooooo!

Starbomb Intro

[Egoraptor:]

Hello, everyone!

I… am Egoraptor.

And welcome to the first album of

STARBOMB!

A holy-shit-amazing new band I created with these guys:

Ninja Sex Party

[Danny Sexbang:]

Hello.

My name is Danny Sexbang.

I’m the lead singer of Ninja Sex Party.

That band he was just talking about.

And this here is Ninja Brian.

Say hi, Ninja Brian.

[Ninja Brian:]

[?]

[Ego:]

Fantastic.

[Ego:]

Now, before we begin annihilating your fucking soul with tasty-ass jams,

We’d like to say that we don’t own the rights to the characters that we parody on this album.

Like, uh, Zelda.

Or Mario.

Or… the… Metroid girl.

Samus, that’s her.

But it is parody.

Which means, according to the exact text of the law:

Ahem, “The fair use of a copyrighted work including such use by reproduction and copies of photo records, or by any other… Fucking means specified by that section for purposes such as… Uh, shit like criticism, comment, teaching, scholarship, or research is not a God damn infringement of copyright.

I guess what we’re saying, Nintendo…

We love you.

Thanks for not suing us.

Now let’s commence the rock!

Starbomb Crasher-Vania

[Dracula (Egoraptor):]

It was a dark and spooky Halloween night

When I, Dracula thought that I would invite

All of my freaky friends, who were there in a flash

To a big dance party – a Monster Mash!

Wolfman, Frankenstein, and Mummy were there

While Medusa fed some mice to the snakes in her hair

It was a groovy good time for a Vampire Bat

To fly out of his coffin and – wait, what was that?!

[Simon (Danny Sexbang):]

Tis I!

Never fear, Simon Belmont is here!

To destroy evil monsters, and all you hold dear!

I will end your cruel necromancing!

[Wolfman (Egoraptor):]

Actually… we were just dancing – GYAAAH!

[Simon:]

To hell demon beast, from whence you came

You’re in Castlevania, this isn’t a game

Now run away, free this land of it’s chains

As God is my witness, I shall see you all slain!

[Dracula:]

Later that night, we went back to my castle

Where we could dance in peace, and also never get hassled

We had fun playing Twister on my queen-sized bed

The party was smaller ’cause Wolfman was dead!

At midnight I heard the Grim Reaper say

“I brought Guitar Hero, so who wants to play?”

It was Swampman on vocals, Nosferatu on bass

Boy, you should have seen the silly funny look on his – OH God NO

[Simon:]

TIS I!

Never fear, Simon Belmont is here! (Shit!)

The power of Christ is infused in my spear!

I’ll put an end to your horrible reign!

[Mummy (Egoraptor):]

But we’re just playing Twister!

[Simon:]

I RIP OUT YOUR BRAIN! (Agh!)

I will restore the glory of light

With my whip and the crystals, I’ll take back the night!

[Medusa (Egoraptor):]

You knocked over the chips…! [whip noise] Augggh!

[Simon:]

Sound the death knell!

Medusa you she-bitch, I will see you in hell!

[Dracula:]

For the love of God, Simon, what the fuck is your deal?!

[Simon:]

You don’t invite me to your parties. Do you know how that feels?

[Dracula:]

Are you friggin’ serious? You killed all my guests! Just ’cause you felt left out?!

[Simon:]

No!… Yes.

[Dracula:]

Well, monsters like me can still be your friend

Just stop bringing our lives to a God-awful end!

Now, since we are the only ones left alive

Let’s play two-man Twister! Come on, give it a try!

[Both:]

Alright!

[Spoken – Dracula:]

Right foot green… [axe noise] AHAHAUGHH!

[Spoken – Simon:]

Sorry! Sorry, force of habit. Well, he is dead…

Looks like I have won at Twister!